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When You Dare Step In

I like my old clothes, they are discreet, they are intimate enough with me to know which parts of me to keep from my conscience… When I allow my eyes to notice new cloths and linger and THEN step into a dress shop AND do a silly thing like trying on new clothes… They, especially the ones you really like, tell everyone in the shop (‘world’) the truth you that you have become adept at hiding from: the tales around your three stomachs, arms that just will not ‘enter’, the head that won’t pass through and zippers that become immobile exactly one inch to the small of your back.

New cloths mock you by choosing a new and increasingly ridiculous part of your anatomy to stick to with every trial, while, to your great horror, lovingly embracing and accentuating the anatomies of just about everyone else that tries them on. THEN they will refuse to cover your shame and allow you to leave the shop alone as they gloat, along with all the other shoppers, at your exciting profile, mocking the intimacy between your old cloths and you, and making you forget that you had neither the intention nor ability to take them along with you in the first place.

New cloths shove down your conscience the fact that there are just no cloths in that part of your existence that could EVER fit you, unless you do something loving to your body: Like take a walk once a day as opposed to once in a while…and particularly, to walk away from food that carry with them multiple seeds that germinate into new stomachs. New cloths are mannerless like that. S/he who has ears…



Do The Women in Your Life Know Who and Whose They Are?

This is inspired by something I head this past Sunday past Sunday, from a son of God who I will just refer to as Tendai, as this is his given name, and it blew my mind.

“Now A GREAT SIGN appeared in heaven: A WOMAN CLOTHED WITH THE SUN, with THE MOON UNDER HER FEET, and ON HER HEAD A GARLAND OF TWELVE STARS. Then being with child, she cried out in labor and in pain to give birth.”
Revelations 12

“And God saw that the light was good (suitable, pleasant) and He approved it; and God separated the light from the darkness…And God said, Let there be lights in the expanse of the heavens TO SEPARATE THE DAY FROM THE NIGHT, and let them be SIGNS AND TOKENS [of God’s provident care], and [to mark] seasons, days, and years, And let them be lights in the expanse of the sky to give light upon the earth. And it was so. And God made the two great lights—the greater light (the sun) TO RULE THE DAY and the lesser light (the moon) TO RULE THE NIGH. He also made THE STARS. And God set them in the expanse of the heavens TO GIVE LIGHT UPON THE EARTH, TO RULE OVER THE DAY AND OVER THE NIGHT, TO SEPARATE THE LIGHT FROM THE DARKNESS. And God saw that it was good (fitting, pleasant) and He approved it.”


“How long will you waver and hesitate [to return], O you backsliding daughter? For the Lord has created a new thing in the land [of Israel]: a female shall compass (woo, win, and protect) a man.”
Jeremiah 31:22

“But I want you to know and realize that Christ is the Head of every man, the head of a woman is her husband, and the Head of Christ is God.
Any man who prays or prophesies (teaches, refutes, reproves, admonishes, and comforts) with his head covered dishonors his Head (Christ).
And any woman who [publicly] prays or prophesies (teaches, refutes, reproves, admonishes, or comforts) when she is bareheaded dishonors her head (her husband); it is the same as [if her head were] shaved.”
1 Corinthians 11

[NOTE: Christ and the male expression of God are mandated to reveal their heads. They minister aright only as long as they show who their head are. The woman on the other hand is to cover her head…sometimes, the male expression of God will minister without acknowledging Christ as his head…his wife therefore must enter the fullness of who she is in Christ, so as to be in the pattern of the woman who in the patterns of Romans 12:1-2, has in absolute sacrificial love, surrendered her mind and flesh, and all that previously defined her as female, and taken on that which is in the mind of Christ, of God concerning her. She is clothed in God’s Light, with darkness under her feet, able to determine the times, to be a witness of the Hand of God, and to mark the times and seasons – declare God’s Ebenezer. This is what now defines the woman in Christ, who wears these as a garland (flowers) over her head…a crown of Lights.

With these, she submits to, and covers, surrounds, woos, wins and protects her husband, and ministers his Head under this covering]

Tell me, do the women in your life, know the power and authority of God in which they live and move and have their being?




The Hill Where The Five Windmills Turn

Five windmills turn slowly, rocking me where I stand before an open hole, that waits to embrace one that I love. I hear her laughter, as the warmth drives away the mist and the coldness that usually engulfs this place. There are many standing around me, each lost perhaps in their own grief. For me, the windmills, slowly turning, comfort me. Its as though she whispers to me from above that grave, encouraging me to look upwards, above the Hills, to The One Whose Grace, blows away my sorrow. I feel her smile. I feel her joy. I feel her freedom. But know that its not yet time for me to join her. I look around again, I look down at the descending beautiful white coffin, seems like it goes down forever, and then suddenly stops. Her son stands right in front of me, and I cannot cry, because my eyes need to be clear, so I can watch him. He passes his water bottle towards me, and lifts his head up, sometimes to wipe away the tears, turns to ask me something…and the five windmills turn slowly behind him, above him.

Five happy memories. Happy memories that all have to do with your laughter, your embrace, your counsel, and your stubborn love. Happy memories that have to do with you being alive, sometimes sad, laughing through your tears, sometimes upset, sometimes quiet…sometimes heckling away defying the silence. Sometimes singing, sometimes worshiping, Sometimes rushing through the house to some room or other, or your office, doing your thing…the silence in the mornings as you tried to hold on to a few more minutes of your sleep before you hit your hectic office life.Happy memories of you talking to me about tea, about your children, about your God, about your brother, about your Mami, about your sister in law, about the numerous nieces you have mostly Nonkuta and Joannah, about Baraka…about tea, ‘Maasai tea’ that was mostly milk with a little bit of water and tea leaves, about the ministry we would one day start, a church with aisles that slide slowly to the altar, whose name was so powerful that bondage was broken and breakthrough wrought. The chats, the forwards, the encouraging messages when you read my blog. The five windmills turn slowly in my mind.

My mind is expecting your call today. You always seemed to sense it when I was low. I remember going through rape, because you stood by me. Gave me a room in your house, for whenever I needed to be away so I could cry. Encouraged me to use your bathtub, the one you used, because I needed to sit on water, to rid myself of the filth I felt inside of me. I remember getting lost in my mind, and straying off, and you would call, and find me and take me home with you. I remember your gentle urging that I do something that would cause my pain to bring comfort to another experiencing the same pain…you encouraged my ministry. I remember your support during the planning and after wedding of Terry and Harry; and that Leroy and I were in your house the morning I got a two worded message “Harry Died”. I remember that I cried out in your house, I remember that you listened to me, and that you took me where I needed to be…even though you could not stand it when I cried,  when anyone cried, I remember you being there for me. I remember the day ‘they’ wanted to rob me of my parenthood, that it was you who sorted out my children, understood my frailty and provided for me so that ‘no one would tarnish my reputation as a warrior for child rights’. I don’t even know how you knew I was in pain, but you called and sorted me out. I wait for you call this morning, as the five windmills turn slowly above your resting place.

I remember you standing by me when church sometimes became a battle-field. I remember our conversations that exalted God. I remember the things you said when you talked about those in your life, even when it was stressful, you always found something nice to say. I remember that your house used to be noisy, that it was a place people loved to be, to cook, to hang out. I remember learning to make yorghut, liquid soap and shampoo in that house, when you turned it temporarily into a training center. I remember the silent hard look you gave me when I was being obnoxious or judgmental. I remember your eyes…when you laughed, until they teared. I remember you look at me from your hospital bed, and for the first time, I wondered what you were thinking. There was just a peacefulness around you. I remember your hand holding mine, especially that last time. It was as though you, though in great agony, were again reaching out to comfort me. The feel of your hands in mine, gave me strength to walk towards your coffin that morning…because I felt them holding mine. I remember our drinking tea…in all sorts of places. The last time, in your hospital room…where you drank the milk and I drank the tea.  The five windmills turn slowly above your resting place, on top of a cold hill, where warm sunlight reaches out to comfort the hearts broken by your leaving.

You shared your family, shared your friends, shared you work, shared your rest, shared your leisure, shared your dreams, shared your hopes, shared your heartache, shared your books – reminding me often to return those I borrowed quickly, shared your life…there was a time you shared half your boubous…i got all the skirts and you retained the tops. Your work…the girls…the women…your love for them. I look far beyond the light into the darkness, not just in my life, and i find you there, smiling and urging us to find The Light. You were attracted to seemingly hopeless causes, myself included, and proved everything and everyone wrong, by believing in The God Who stood for us. I remember how ‘Whatsup gal?” could start conversations that lasted forever…and never ended. I remember being hugged by you. I remember you closing your eyes, that last time in hospital, and nodding when I asked “Do you need to sleep?” Those last two times, when I walked out of your hospital room, and then from the mound of flowers that stood on top of a hill, where five windmills turn slowly, were the most difficult steps I have ever had to take. But in doing so, I knew, and know, that there was nothing left unsaid or undone. That God had blessed us, to complete our friendship together. I thank God, that He gave. I thank God that He gave His best. I thank God that He is teaching me to accept His taking you back. Just a little every day. Meanwhile, there are five windmills that turn slowly, relentlessly, rocking me, rocking you, reminding me, that Everlasting Arms embrace you now…and that finally…you are gooooodddd.

.  See you in the morning, my friend…


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The Heart Wants What it Wants

we are made to conquer that which is greater than ourselves – this is the essence of passion

Pastor Muriithi Wanjau ( Author Mizizi and Senior Pastor Mavuno)

 There was this guy I know, he was in love with someone else’ wife. She was not interested in him but her attempts at putting him off only seemed to fan the raging fire within him. You on board yet? One day she decided to be nasty and blunt and just tell him to leave her be. She was never going to leave her husband for him. Besides, his own wife adored him and they had four brilliant children. He looked at her adoringly, telling her with his eyes that he loved the sound of her voice. When she was through with her script, he shrugged as if he hadn’t heard anything she had said in the last 45 minutes and drawled “…But the heart wants what it wants…”

I hope this story has upset some of your systems as it did mine when I first heard it. I felt as though I had been dunked with her in a slime pit. If you did, you have been in this lady’s shoes as well, or haven’t you my sister.

As a seeker, I have watched with interest, and sometimes great humour, the human pairing tendencies. Ever noticed how the glamour queen has for her best friend someone slightly less…well… of a beauty magazine cover model than she is, and her worst enemy looks a little bit like her? I know couples who to the un-searching eye look absolutely mismatched. Think for example of the hunk, the rugby team captain who married little Ms Prism, secretary of the Campus C.U.’s serving committee. He loves to flash, she wears two colours at most, and never at the same time. Think about your posh sister who went to international schools and is quite intimate with various international destinations, speaks twelve of their languages. She goes to her ancestral home for a family function and when the Standard 6 maximum educated watchman who can hardly speak a second language ushers her into her parents home, their souls connect, and the rest is stuff for an award winning Hollywood movie. On the other hand you probably know other couples who the universe seemed to support their coming together but are constantly at the brink of murdering each other. The heart wants what it wants. No matter where it finds it. But what is it that the heart looks for?

You may be in that place of destiny where you find yourself perfectly suited for a job, a partnership, a promotion, a lifetime romance. Yet the marks and the favour seem to tip towards your ill-equipped rival and you ask yourself what it is that the other party wanted that you did not have. I admit that there are shallow people who will opt for your adversary because of irrelevancies such as coming from the same background, rather than for the fact that they can achieve their greatest purpose together. This I must caution once more, is recipe for the greatest disaster. Generally the knitting of souls, the ignition of passion, the path to destiny is catalysed in the heavenlies. Fighting certain God-ordained eventualities only hurt those who attempt. So quit trying. I have learnt to take, with deserving seriousness, the command given at the end of every Christian wedding [What God has joined together let no man put asunder] which is incidentally a scriptural quotation. I know that to try is to wage a battle against God – the essence of futility. It would be wiser my sister to wait for your own suitable misfit, the one with whom the satisfaction you have tried to coerce from rocks that refuse to bleed, will flow with natural ease.

Personally, I cannot wait for the day my misfit (be it man or task) looks at me with adoring eyes, knowing that I was the necessary and irreplaceable unit to his perfect destiny. Much as this phrase upsets my digestive system, the heart does want what it wants. Have a blessed week.


First Published in May 2006 by The Sunday Standard

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Lord, Let it be Ishmael, I have already waited 21 Years!

Re: Genesis 17:15-22

When reading this passage that God reminded me of this morning, I too laughed like Abraham. I felt Him. Its been 21 years for me too, in a manner of speaking, since the promise was given, and my life seems to grow older and drier too. How can He still say, in all sanity, that in this, the driest of times, a new life can still grow from the womb of my life. Besides, I have messed up, and gotten a son – not my wife’s, a slaves, but he is the son of my loins Lord, and I love him so much. Why don’t we just agree Mighty God, Yahweh Elohim – who births order out of disorder, that you use that which is available and zap it into something beautiful? After all, didn’t I meet you half-way? Isn’t Ishmael better than Eliezer my slave? Fine, Ishmael is half slave too, but doesn’t my blood run through his veins too? If you ask my opinion God, its been too long, and I think I may have heard wrong – I think you said a son, not a son by my wife Sarah… you are not a God that is that specific. You just said a son, and I got one ages ago, release me from this journey of faith, that I may be sane like my neighbors and accept Ishmael as my heir. He is after all my first son. This, from the father of faith I am comforted. God showed him mercy, did something for him through a woman he had loved but sometimes treated shabbily by using her as a human/ sexual shield against perceived danger[Gen 12:10-20, 20:1-18]. God was again restoring Sarah’s honor, when the husband of her youth tried to elevate her slave above her. God said ‘No’.

So you already have a child, I am not talking only about faith for children today. I am talking about faith in God to perform that which He said He would perform in your life, IN THE WAY HE SAID HE WOULD DO IT! Abraham’s waiting had not been faultless, hence his faith hadn’t been either. He faultered, gave in to human pressure and did what was wise according to worldly standards. He detoured from his faith in God Almighty, for a while, and did what a man must do. After all it was God’s will to give him a son – God wanted to give him a son didn’t he? He is the One who started all this many years ago hadn’t He? And get a son He did. But God had a plan, and a pathway. Ishmael would be great and blessed to, that was His promise to a slave woman and to His son wavering in faith, but God’s things are done God’s way.

Like Abraham, and hopefully not you, I too have often tried to create an Ishmael situation, to sooth me from the painful wait for Isaac. It might be in forcing my way into a job I know was never meant to be mine, because God promised me wealth for example. I forget that how I spend my day, should always be an act of worship to Yahweh the Everlasting. And I can only worship by submitting humbly in faith. It might be by taking a spouse, the one that is in my life, a good one, but not the one through which God would deliver His promise for my generation and the others that stem from this union. It might be in the friend I chose to confide in, because I was lonely, hurting or succeeding and I just needed someone to stand by me to rejoice with me. It might be in the person I choose to represent me as an authority in State and/or in Church, because s/he was the only one available – because I was too tired of being in the place of waiting. It could be in deciding to get a child alternatively, outside of the counsel of God, because time was running out. It could be about leaving a job He gave you a long time ago today, suing your boss today, because things are not going as you thought they would, against His counsel that you be still, because an opportunity has opened up. Lord, Let it Be Ishmael was not just Abraham’s cry, but yours and mine today.

Ishmael is not worse than Isaac, he is blessed too, he is just not your blessing. Introducing him into your place of blessing, the altar of God in your life, will bring such discord. So God’s “no” to you is a love word. A long time ago in a place of waiting, God sent a woman to give me these words, which I now pass on to you “ he is not the one for you, that man you are involved with. God says you have refused to be yoked to Ishmael, He says Isaac is coming, though he tarry, wait for him, for he will surely come…” It is a word that has sustained me till today, even when I have gone out looking for ‘Ishmael’ in the various arenas of my life – it is a word God reminded me of today, when on my knees, I cried about the amount of time He was taking to be Yahweh Elohim in every area of my life. Don’t laugh, ask me again this time next year what God would have done in your life, and in mine. No, you will tell me.

John 3:27, 31b‘A man can only receive what has been given to him from Heaven…The One who comes from Heaven is above all.


First written on  Friday, May 15, 2009 at 4:19am and published by the Standard


Getting Ready For my Marriage

So, I am being prepared for a marriage.

  He proposed to me again. Who can refuse a proposal like that – of a love so Total and True; a Love that is spread out in the view of all humanity, unabashedly at your feet? A love given with the promise of One Who cannot lie – a promise to love you forever; to never ever leave you no matter where your love takes the both of you; a love that promises you more than you could ever want or need, a love that promises a lifetime of adventure and an eternity of restful bliss.

   He proposed to me again, and named and paid a price that was so extravagant, that silenced the highest bidder, out-haggled my ‘marketer’, and left my father’s house gaping – wondering if He was mad to think I could be worth even a quater of His price. Both Heaven and earth fell silent, when He spoke of me, wondering again if He knew of whom He had  sang so lovingly, and spoken so resolutely.

He proposed to me again, and the Bling was to die for. He gave me His, I gave Him mine, my head bowed, my heart dismayed for the little value mine had been to me. He raised my head up, smiled into my soul and said to me, “Thank you Vip, in your heart, I see all I ever wanted, and your gift and symbol of your love for Me, is the most beautiful I ever saw. Look at it again.” How could He be so kind to me? I know how piteously, not just I, but all those who had wooed me before, mere men, lesser men, had valued it and I had known their testimony to be truth. My eyes locked into His, and when I again looked at my blingin His Hands, it was as though I was looking through His Eyes…and its beauty was indescribable. The only One I know and will every know, that could be worthy of such a gift was Him. My very own Him.

He proposed to me again. I guess you may say I am engaged, but what I can tell you, is that i am Spoken for, no longer my own. I wear His Bling on my shoulder, over my life, and He wears mine on His shoulder and within His Life.

I am being prepared for a Marriage. And you are invited too…to be The Bride.


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Climatic Worship and Wearing The Crown of Forgiveness

I am sitting here trying to find a synonym for Orgasm, so that I dont offend some by entitling this post; ‘Orgasmic Worship’. But it ts hard. No other word seems appropriate. Am simply trying to find a word that appropriatly captures that phenomenon of having gone beyond the mundane, beyond the veil in terms of bonding with God, and connecting explosively with Him in a way that He permeates your thoughts, actions, intentions, keeps you aglow and connected to Him for the rest of the while until you next engage in the act of intense adoration. So I have chosen the word ‘climatic’ because it wont stumble others…but between you and I, lets just say you know what am talking about.

Anyway, it was Wednesday night I think, or maybe Thursday and yet it felt like Monday or Tuesday. I was tired. I was sitting on the floor mat wondering why the worship was not…’entering‘ and ‘reaching‘ as Leroy [my son] and I began our night devotions. Leroy’s role in our family devotions is to share a memory verse. This evening, he shares one from Isaiah 59.

“But your iniquities have separated you from your God;
And your sins have hidden His face from you,
So that He will not hear.”NKJV 

And am like, ‘What? what sin have I committed now?’ You see, that verse ‘entered and reached‘ in the way my worship had failed to. I went into one of those silences that both Leroy and Shuku have learnt to pretend they have not noticed, that happens mostly during our prayer times. When something drops into my spirit and carries me away. Kind of takes me away to the place of my thoughts, and totally oblivious to my surroundings. Like I am not there at all. Its often caused by something painful. I was in pain. “God, what is my sin? Tell me that I may make peace with You, for I know You do not lie.” Then I noticed by Leroy’s stance that he was uncomfortable and we went into the reading of the day. Genesis 50:19-21

“Do not be afraid, for am I in the place of God?  But as for you, you meant evil against me; but God meant it for good, in order to bring it about as it is this day, to save many people alive. Now therefore, do not be afraid; I will provide for you and your little ones.” And he comforted them and spoke kindly to them.”

Then I understood what had been stealing from my times of worship. This was one week that I had fought to put out the ‘fires of toxic pasts’. Fires seething barely beneath the surface…i would get on my knees and begin to worship in song, focusing on God then PAP, I would remember something someone said, their body language, their tone, the look in their eyes, how their eyes rolled away, their voice, their sms…how they did not respond to my email, how they ignored my friend request on Facebook or deleted me as a friend and did not explain what I did…silly little things, standing before me, effectively slowing the flow of joyful and  ecstatic worship. As God brought this to mind, He faithfully reminded me of His word concerning things like this.

  For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.  But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.” Mathew 6

So if I have not forgiven all these things, then all, all my sins have not been forgiven, and therefore stand between me, my worship and God’s ears. As I begin to confess and release those with whom I was still bound in the yoke of unforgiveness, I sensed the ease return…the passion I have for God. Am not there yet…but God sent me a song that has remained with me:

” At the foot of the cross
Where grace and suffering meet
You have shown me your love
Through the judgement You received
And You’ve won my heart
And You’ve won my heart
Now I can

Trade these ashes in for beauty
Coming to kiss the feet of mercy
I lay every burden down
At the foot of the cross…
Don Moen – “At the foot of the cross”

 I am off to lay my crown at His Feet. 

All believers, come here and listen, 
      let me tell you what God did for me. 
   I called out to Him with my mouth, 
      my tongue shaped the sounds of music. 
   If I had been cozy with evil, 
      The Lord would never have listened. 
   But He most surely did listen, 
      He came on the double when He heard my prayer. 
   Blessed be God: He didn’t turn a deaf ear, 
      He stayed with me, loyal in His love.” Psalm 66