I am sitting here trying to find a synonym for Orgasm, so that I dont offend some by entitling this post; ‘Orgasmic Worship’. But it ts hard. No other word seems appropriate. Am simply trying to find a word that appropriatly captures that phenomenon of having gone beyond the mundane, beyond the veil in terms of bonding with God, and connecting explosively with Him in a way that He permeates your thoughts, actions, intentions, keeps you aglow and connected to Him for the rest of the while until you next engage in the act of intense adoration. So I have chosen the word ‘climatic’ because it wont stumble others…but between you and I, lets just say you know what am talking about.
Anyway, it was Wednesday night I think, or maybe Thursday and yet it felt like Monday or Tuesday. I was tired. I was sitting on the floor mat wondering why the worship was not…’entering‘ and ‘reaching‘ as Leroy [my son] and I began our night devotions. Leroy’s role in our family devotions is to share a memory verse. This evening, he shares one from Isaiah 59.
“But your iniquities have separated you from your God;
And your sins have hidden His face from you,
So that He will not hear.”NKJV
And am like, ‘What? what sin have I committed now?’ You see, that verse ‘entered and reached‘ in the way my worship had failed to. I went into one of those silences that both Leroy and Shuku have learnt to pretend they have not noticed, that happens mostly during our prayer times. When something drops into my spirit and carries me away. Kind of takes me away to the place of my thoughts, and totally oblivious to my surroundings. Like I am not there at all. Its often caused by something painful. I was in pain. “God, what is my sin? Tell me that I may make peace with You, for I know You do not lie.” Then I noticed by Leroy’s stance that he was uncomfortable and we went into the reading of the day. Genesis 50:19-21
“Do not be afraid, for am I in the place of God? But as for you, you meant evil against me; but God meant it for good, in order to bring it about as it is this day, to save many people alive. Now therefore, do not be afraid; I will provide for you and your little ones.” And he comforted them and spoke kindly to them.”
Then I understood what had been stealing from my times of worship. This was one week that I had fought to put out the ‘fires of toxic pasts’. Fires seething barely beneath the surface…i would get on my knees and begin to worship in song, focusing on God then PAP, I would remember something someone said, their body language, their tone, the look in their eyes, how their eyes rolled away, their voice, their sms…how they did not respond to my email, how they ignored my friend request on Facebook or deleted me as a friend and did not explain what I did…silly little things, standing before me, effectively slowing the flow of joyful and ecstatic worship. As God brought this to mind, He faithfully reminded me of His word concerning things like this.
“For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.” Mathew 6
So if I have not forgiven all these things, then all, all my sins have not been forgiven, and therefore stand between me, my worship and God’s ears. As I begin to confess and release those with whom I was still bound in the yoke of unforgiveness, I sensed the ease return…the passion I have for God. Am not there yet…but God sent me a song that has remained with me:
” At the foot of the cross
Where grace and suffering meet
You have shown me your love
Through the judgement You received
And You’ve won my heart
And You’ve won my heart
Now I can
Trade these ashes in for beauty
AND WEAR FORGIVENESS LIKE A CROWN
Coming to kiss the feet of mercy
I lay every burden down
At the foot of the cross…”
Don Moen – “At the foot of the cross”
“All believers, come here and listen,
let me tell you what God did for me.
I called out to Him with my mouth,
my tongue shaped the sounds of music.
If I had been cozy with evil,
The Lord would never have listened.
But He most surely did listen,
He came on the double when He heard my prayer.
Blessed be God: He didn’t turn a deaf ear,
He stayed with me, loyal in His love.” Psalm 66